This House (Modern Plays) Read online

  Clerk knocks.

  Weatherill Come in.

  The Clerk enters, and during the remaining dialogue Atkins removes everything from his black box and hands it to the Clerk, as well as keys, signing everything away.

  Paddington South Dammit, what a rotten bloody system this is, the whole thing. God!

  Atkins (as he de-junks) Cruel as it may seem at this present juncture, this ‘rotten system’, the foundation stone of democracy, is one of the few things this country has manufactured and exported that hasn’t been sent back. Envied the world over for its simplicity. One person, one vote, sending one member, to represent them in one house. And the party with more warm bodies than any other, governs. As one.

  Paddington South Yes, but this time they won’t be sending me back, that’s what I’m saying!

  Weatherill (warmly) You’ll be fine, Nick. Chin up.

  Atkins (carrying on) And this building, this hallowed earth upon which we stand, this mother of all parliaments – yes she’s showing her age, but like all good ‘mums’, she’s showing it with dignity and with grace – (To Clerk, taking back some keys.) hang on – This House serves to remind us that we are but its temporary trustees, Nicholas. (Removing his key fob.) This is mine. (Handing back the keys.)

  Clerk begins retrieving Paddington South’s red case – emptying it, keys, signature.

  Atkins Whether you’re a lowly MP at the bottom of the pile or Her Majesty the Queen at the top. We are tenants, old chap. The crown moves from head to head, and when parliament dissolves at five p.m. today, I am no longer the Member for Spelthorne, nor Jack the Member for Croydon North East, nor you the Member for Paddington South. But Paddington, sadly, will go on without you. It is a lesson we all must learn. Earth, and dust. (Lightly touching his black case on the table.) Hope to see you again, old friend.

  Clerk exits, taking with him the two cases.

  The Opposition Whips’ Office – the other side of the Members’ Lobby.

  Bob Mellish, Labour Chief Whip, has also begun to pack up, picking from sausage and chips wrapped in newspaper as he goes.

  Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove!

  Bromsgrove (entering, sees Mellish packing) Oh, Jesus Christ.

  Mellish No, it’s Bob actually, but the likeness is uncanny. Saveloy?

  Bromsgrove Chief, what’s going on?

  Mellish Look I know as much as you do, Terry; where the bleeding ’ell is Walter – ?

  Walter Harrison, Labour Deputy Whip, bursts in, closing the door behind him.

  A beat. Waiting …

  Harrison raises his arms in victory, cheering. Mellish then follows suit.

  Harrison WHEY!

  Bromsgrove Oh no.

  Harrison and Mellish meet in the middle, doing a little improvised victory dance, shouting, clapping, laughing and grunting.

  Harrison What you doing?

  Mellish The dosey-doe, innit, like at weddings.

  Harrison Oh, I was doing the flamenco, with the – (demonstrates) you know.

  Mellish Doesn’t matter, ’cause we are on our way back! Come on! (Continues packing away, with Harrison now.) Where are the others? Where’s Cocks?

  Harrison Michael? Dunno.

  Bromsgrove Yeah, alright for you innit. Not defending a tiny majority, are you? Eighteen hundred me! What are you, Walter – Wakefield? Ha ha. Wake – Kill for Wakefield, bloody hell. Couldn’t have given me an effing mining town, could they. Mill town, salt of the earth, no. And they’ve only gone and merged me with Redditch, now. Redditch, for God’s sake; that’s killed it.

  Harrison Bugger off; Redditch? It’s manufacture, / industry, workers –

  Bromsgrove Oh, bollocks, honestly Walter, that’s … needles, that’s all they make, that’s all they bloody well make in Redditch. Needles. That’s it. And I voted against the refuse bill – that’s you lot, that is, making me, forcing my hand. They wanted it round my way. Lot of rubbish in Redditch, you know!

  Harrison (at the chips) Oi, what’s this, no mushy peas? Travesty.

  Mellish Oh give over, ‘mushy peas’.

  Bromsgrove Chaps –

  Harrison Like having a bath with no bubbles.

  Mellish You uncouth Northern brute, you –

  Bromsgrove I’M BEING SERIOUS! …

  Mellish Alright, Tel, I know, we’re only havin’ a laugh. You’ll be OK –

  Bromsgrove I won’t be. I know it. They’ll boot me out. ’Cause I did what I was told, towed the party line, stayed loyal. And look what good it’s done me …

  Harrison Do you ever look up at the sky? Terry? Ever watch the way birds move en masse? Their ability to survive lies in the fact they all imperceptibly, instinctively, turn together. On our own, we’re nowt. That’s the job of the whips. The job is to transmit in a way that is undetectable to the eagles circling above, the job is to communicate the instruction ‘Turn’. ‘Turn now.’ ‘Turn all of us, together, now, and we might make it. We might just bloody well make it.’

  Bromsgrove I hate birds. They shit on you from a great height.

  Harrison You’ll be alright. And if not, there’s other elections, other seats.

  Beat.

  Bromsgrove (nods, turning sadly; stops, turning back) Oh what’s the point of it all … ? Eh … ? What’s the bloody … point?

  He exits.

  Mellish Don’t worry about him, he’ll be OK.

  Harrison Yeah. Although, no, he won’t be, will he, but …

  Mellish That’s life.

  Harrison That’s politics.

  Harrison leaves the Opposition office, stepping into:

  Members’ Lobby. Bumping into Weatherill, coming the other way. They don’t shake.

  Weatherill Ah, Walter. The ‘man of the hour’.

  Harrison Jack. I see you’re off to inspect the troops. (At his large notebook.) My oh my, look at this, that’s a new one, what is it, leather? Bit big, though.

  Weatherill Oh, do you think? I rather like it, substantial, plus the lines are not too thick.

  Harrison (taking a small notebook from back pocket) Here, look, see? Small and simple.

  Weatherill (taking his, flicking) Hmm, yes, ‘old reliable’. Well, not without its charms, easily accessible I suppose, but where’s that sense of authority, Walter? The weight of information.

  Harrison Members see a big fat thing like that, they think you’re compensating for something.

  Weatherill Ahah, well. You believe what you like. I must get on.

  Harrison So will I still be dealing with you, do you think, after the big heave-ho, the old switcheroo?

  Weatherill I’ll go where I’m put, Walter, of course; and ‘switcheroo’ – come off it, you know we’re staying in. I mean / yes, of course –

  Harrison Staying in, have you / seen the polls?

  Weatherill It will be tight. Yes, I have seen the polls, Walter; we’re in the lead in the polls –

  Harrison Only just; nowt in it.

  Weatherill In dark times, the electorate sticks with the devil it knows.

  Harrison Ay up, they’re only dark because you can’t keep the lights on! I mean surely the most basic test of a government is that they can keep the blinking lights on, Jack.

  Weatherill Still, after all this, perhaps you’ll finally get to be the Chief Whip now, ‘Deputy’.

  Harrison Well. Perhaps you will be your side, an’ all, ‘Deputy’. (Makes to go.)

  Weatherill And, erm. How did you find out so quickly? The election?

  Harrison I don’t kiss and tell, Jack. Should know that about me by now.

  Weatherill (beat; holding his hand out) Walter.

  Harrison (shaking it) Jack.

  Up in the Clock Tower. Cocks is still facing the clock, staring out. Clockmaker arrives, climbing up the stairs, into the room, jangling keys.

  Clockmaker ’Bout done, are we, Mr Cocks? Only they’ll be coming up to turn the light off.

  Cocks Oh. Yeah, no. Course. Ta for letting me, uh …


  Clockmaker That’s alright. My predecessor, he left me a note. ‘Mr Cocks goes up the clock, no questions asked.’ I thought it were a nursery rhyme at first. (Beat. Pointing up.) What’s the deal with the light, anyway?

  Cocks The Ayrton Light, above the clock. Shines when Parliament is seated; put out when it rises. Lot of funny rules and traditions here, you’ll start to learn.

  Clockmaker Londoner all my life, me, never even knew you could stand behind that thing.

  Cocks Most famous face in the world. Never stopped ticking, you know, since it first, like … Even during the war, the blitz, bombs raining down. Stubbornly, just – kept on ticking.

  Clockmaker Yeah, well, it’s only a couple ticks away from the old, uh … so come on.

  Cocks exits swiftly down the stairs, as Big Ben begins to strike.

  The Ayrton Light snaps off –

  Brief sound bites of the February 1974 general election as in the dimly lit Commons Chamber the Members chorus take their seats: ‘Tories predicted victory’ – ‘Exit polls suggest a tight race’ – ‘Margaret Thatcher discounting the Liberals, preferring two party-politics’ – ‘First hung parliament in half a century’ – ‘The “squatter in Downing Street”’ – Dimbleby chasing St John Stevas: ‘Will Tories do deal with Liberals?’ – No deal – ‘Labour form a minority government’.

  Act One

  Scene One

  The Government Whips’ Office. Afternoon.

  Humphrey Atkins is packing a box. Bob Mellish bounces in with his own box of things.

  Mellish (mockingly) Oh Humphrey, me ol’ cocker –

  Atkins Oh, don’t start, Bob, alright?

  Mellish Start? Moi?!

  Atkins Let’s at least try and conduct this transfer with a modicum of decorum, shall we –

  Mellish A ‘modicum of decorum’, blimey what’s that, odds on favourite for the 2.15?

  Atkins That’s a ‘no’ then, I take it. (Lifting a painting from the walls.)

  Mellish You can leave that if you like –

  Atkins Get your own. Gift from my wife, anniversary.

  Mellish Look, I’m sorry Humphrey, genuine commiserations and all that. Politics is a cruel sport, second place gets you naff all.

  Atkins Yes, well, in – ha ha, in your case Bob, first place gets you ‘naff all’ as well. Four seats more than us? Labour may be the largest party, but not a majority in the House. Some might say that means we all lost.

  Mellish And yet here we are, swapping offices. A few small steps across the lobby, but a giant leap for mankind.

  Atkins Bob. It’s a hung parliament. You’ve got no idea, have you? (Making to leave.)

  Mellish Oi, what’s your combination for the safe? I need to change it.

  Atkins I’ll inform the Clerk, he can come and arrange for it to –

  Mellish Oh come on, Humphrey, just give me your bloody –

  Atkins Bob, no, I’m not telling you, / it’s a combination that –

  Mellish Oh well, that’s grown up, isn’t it?

  Atkins (continuing) – we’ve been using for … It’s not about being ‘grown-up’.

  Mellish So / how am I meant to – Right, OK.

  Atkins (continuing) It’s about protocol, Bob, procedure; call the Clerk.

  Mellish Fine. Oi. (Holding out his hand.) No hard feelings, eh?

  Atkins (beat; painting down; shakes) Listen. I mean this, because I like you –

  Mellish Oh Humphrey, I like you too, come here.

  Atkins We’re going to get you. Alright? So don’t get comfortable. A minority government? No one with any sense or gumption gives you more than a matter of weeks. You’re gonna fall, and fast, and hard. So start finding things to land on. Now.

  Atkins goes. Mellish less cocksure now. Beat. Harrison enters, laughing, clapping.

  Harrison Wheeey – ay up, you forget how much bigger it is than our one, eh? Well, old one.

  Mellish We’re fucked. We’re fucked, aren’t we?

  Cocks enters, carrying some files and boxes. Harrison and Mellish snap out of it, cheering.

  Harrison Alright, Michael. Here we are, eh? (Offering his hand.)

  Cocks I know – quick, lock the doors before they realise. (Shaking.)

  Harper enters, in full State Opening regal garb, to more cheers.

  Mellish Bloody ’ell, Joe, look at you, joining the circus or what? (Dialling on his phone.)

  Harper Laugh all you want, Chief, but you have to treat me with a bit of respect now I’m a servant to Her Majesty’s Government.

  Harrison Bugger off, you twat.

  Mellish Joe, why you still wearing all that? Get it off, will yer? (He lifts his phone up – there’s no wire attached.) What the … ? Oh, nice, very clever.

  Harper No-o, I just played a ‘key role’ in the opening of Parliament, and not only that, look at this, me white staff! (Displays it, laughing.)

  Cocks Before you get carried away, he’s lost it twice this morning already.

  Harper I haven’t lost it – how can I have lost it, Michael? It’s here in me hand. Get to keep it for ever, this. I’m gonna wander round with it always. At work, round the house. Tesco’s.

  Ann Taylor enters, holding a box. Mellish cheers, as per, expecting the others to … but they just stare. A beat. Mellish clear his throat.

  Taylor Hello.

  Harrison Looking for your office, love? ’Tis a bit of a maze, here / let’s see if –

  Mellish No, she’s not looking for it, she’s found it. This is Ann Taylor, new Member for Bolton. She’ll be joining our team. And I know everyone’ll make her feel very welcome?

  Harrison … Uh yeah, course. Here, Ann, take a seat –

  Mellish She’s a woman, Walter, not an invalid.

  Harrison Well, alright! I was just –

  Taylor No, that’s fine, honestly. Thank you. ‘Walter’?

  Mellish (at the walls) Art! I need art, someone get me some art.

  Clerk (entering, with the black briefcase) Gentlemen.

  Harrison (pointing) And lady.

  Mellish Nothing with a ship on it. Something like a Lowry, or what’s-his-face – what’s this?

  The Clerk gets Mellish ‘set up’, handing him passes and demonstrating the case on his desk.

  Clerk Your ministerial box.

  Harper It’s black, not red.

  Clerk The Chief Whip’s is black.

  Harrison ‘The forces of darkness, and evil’ …

  Mellish Do pack it in.

  Clerk Key. Opens from the bottom, not the top. It’s heavy, you’ll get used to the weight.

  Mellish (taking it) I know, I know. I have done this before, you know?

  Harper (having a go) Flippin’ ’eck, have your arm off, that.

  Clerk (taking it back, opening, demonstrating) Lead surround. Traditionally so that if your ship sank, it would sink to the bottom of the ocean. In reality, it’s for bomb blasts.

  Mellish Bomb blasts?

  Clerk To protect the contents.

  Mellish What about my contents?

  Clerk They aren’t Parliament’s concern. (Handing the case over and leaving.)

  Mellish (after him) And can I get some art? Oi, and the phones too, they don’t … (Sighs.)

  Cock (sitting, playing) Walter, look. Adjustable chairs.

  Harrison Never! (Sitting.) Ha! All this time, them bastards! Bloody ’ell, I knew their poll ratings had been up and down all year but I didn’t know their arses had as well.

  Mellish Eh, should see how comfy it is in the back seat of my car – oh wait, didn’t I mention, I get back my ministerial car?

  Harrison Oh, you smug little tart, Chief.

  Mellish Right, let’s stop mucking about, shall we?

  He turns a blackboard over – during this, and for the rest of the play, the Whips should light up fags and smoke as and whenever fits. Most should probably spark up now …

  Mellish Now. I don’t know if any of you have read a newspaper this week but apparen
tly we, the Labour Party, are now in power.

  All Whey-hey.

  Mellish With one big problem.

  Harper Aww.

  Mellish It’s a mathematical problem, and one we definitely have to balance. 301, us. The Tories 297. And then we have the odds and sods. Liberals 14, the Scots 7, Irish 11, Welsh 2, others 3, meaning an Opposition total of 330. (Writes ‘Total 301 v. 330.)

  [The table created could look something like this:

  Mellish In other words, we’re all up shit creak, we’ve got the biggest boat, but they’ve got more paddles. Or to put it a simpler way … combined, there are more of them than us.

  This sinks in.

  So how do we survive? Answer: haven’t a clue. None us has any experience of a hung parliament, so it’s a learn-on-the-job type thing. But we are going to war, gentlemen, so make no bones. On the other side of the lobby are a bunch of bastards – sorry, Ann – already plotting our demise …

  Speaker The Member for Esher!

  The Opposition Whips’ Office.

  Atkins unpacking at his new desk. Esher (veteran Tory known as ‘Colonel’) drinks a whisky.

  Esher It stinks over here.

  Atkins No it doesn’t.

  Esher Always has, this side. Nasty ruddy odour. And it’s colder.

  Atkins Was there anything I can help you with, Colonel?

  Esher My new office, don’t like it. It’s cramped and there’s this ugly painted thing in there.

  Atkins That’s the Member for Gloucester, Colonel, she’s sharing your room.

  Fred Silvester knocks and enters.

  Silvester Mr Atkins? How do you do, I’m / Fred Silvester –

  Atkins Fred Silvester; new member for Manchester Withington, formerly of Walthamstow West. Welcome back. Nice to know we picked up a few seats while haemorrhaging others. You’ve been assigned to the Whips? (Taking his letter.)

  Esher Manchester you say? God awful place, can’t be doing with it. Either needs a good clean or a good fire, I don’t mind which.

  Atkins Colonel, Mr Silvester here will relocate you to a new office this afternoon.